So the other night at dinner my parents were acting weird and trying to keep something from me. I asked my mom about it today and she said Dad had been wondering if I'd heard from him and how he's doing... weird. My dad really liked him, despite their strong differences in politics. He liked having him around, he liked having another guy and he liked him. My dad's never liked any guy I've dated, or trusted me with them. I often wonder if we'll ever be friends again, I doubt it. I don't care really, because the things I liked about our relationship weren't things you get out of a friendship. I don't mean the sexual stuff, but whatever it's hard to explain. I just think too much about him and the past. I don't know why I think about it either, I'm over it, I'm happy that it's over and I don't really miss it. I've experienced the whole love/hearbreak thing once, I want to be free and have fun. I need to focus on more important things in the present... like SSE and my grandma.

SSE... shhhhiittty. I've got so much to do still before I present in a week and a half.

School-- I have a lot to catch up on as well, I've been slacking overtime.

Grandma is sick, in the hospital and while she says she's a fighter and will make it through, I've seen how fragile she's become. She used to be a tall, strong woman with a bold independent streak, now she depends on oxygen to keep her alive, she depends on people to sort her pills and it kills her. It kills me to see the one person I depend(ed) on to never let me down, to never become weak and give in to life... do just that. I know she'll always put up a fight, but I also know that she is pretty close to being ready to being with Grandpa again... or kicking the bucket or dying as she puts it. Or another term she uses: drive me away in the hearse and sprinkle me in the sea. Eh. I'm trying to spend a lot of time for her this week, I don't know if it's to make up for lost time or to just be comforted. I'm writing an essay on her, in my "free time". I need to be busier... I get more done and procrastinate less, but I bitch more about being stressed. I'm the biggest hypocrit I know.

I'm dying for solitude. I spent all winter break with my friends, not a single day did I have a few hours to myself without SOMEONE around. It was probably good for me though, to keep my mind off stuff, but I need alone time to be antisocial in my room and crank my music loud and prance around in my underwear (kidding about this part).

I should probably start going to class regularly. I did make it to half my classes today though. Although I missed my SSE meeting, well I tried to go to it but it doesn't do much good when your advisor is gone.

I got accepted to OSU a while ago. I still haven't told my parents.

Q: WHO'S BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT?
A: Mine

Q: WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A: White

Q: WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR UNDIES RIGHT NOW?
A: Lime green and pink

Q: DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?
A: A dog, three cats, a horse

Q: MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
A: Rumor Has It

Q: NAME 3 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES?
A. Well, when I got out I always take my purse, and I wear my rings and a necklace.

Q: WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS?
A: Cream

Q: HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU RIGHT NOW?
A: Oh, about 92 cents... I'm broke.

Q: HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST ARE EX'S?
A: 00000000.

Q: WHATS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE CHICKEN?
A: Eh, it depends how it's cooked.

Q: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TOWN/CITY?
A: Seattle is nice.

Q: HOW DID YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP END?
A: With heartbreak, but it was a good experience to go through. It's a story with lots of layers... I'm not in the mood to explain.

Q: I CAN'T WAIT TO/TIL?
A: I'm out of college and my life is stable.

Q: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM?
A: About 4 hours ago.

Q: Who got you to join myspace?
A: Beth, I think.

Q: How long have you been at your current job?
A: Yeah... about that.

Q: Is Tom on your friends list?
A: no

Q: What's the last thing you said out loud?
A: "Okay, bye."

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: Vanity, earrings, paper lantern thing, tin mirrors from Mexico, magazines

Q: What is the last thing/person you spent over $100 on?
A: Fixing my car... :(

Q: Who's your favorite villain?
A: ??

Q: Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: Socks? I don't usually borrow clothes.

Q: What web site(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: Myspace

Q: If you could drink anything right now what would it be?
A: water

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: My stomach, I'm so hungry.

Q: What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
A: Portland or Seattle, I can't remember...

Q: Are you in Love?
A: Nope. :)

10 Firsts
First Real Best Friend: Kelsi
First Screenname: wakeboardnbaboon
First Pet dog name: Tigger
First Piercing: Ear lobes
First Crush: The neighbor down the street. Too bad he was 10 years older than me haha.
First Car: '94 Ford Explorer that keeps getting dents ):
First School: Milwaukie Lutheran Preschool, or Concord for kindergarten
First House Location: In Milwaukie near McLouglin MS
First Favorite Toy: My doll I pretended was Asian for some reason...
************************************

9 Lasts
Last Time You Smoked Weed: Never
Last Food You Ate: Toast
Last Movie You Watched: A Walk to Remember
Last Phone Call: Emma
Last song You listened to: I don't know the name of it.
Last Bubble Bath You took: A few weeks ago. Showers are just more convenient.

*******************************
8 Have You Evers

Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: He became my best friend while we dated.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: nope
Have You Ever Danced with no music: Yes
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes, a few times actually.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: Not really, maybe a little.
Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: Nope
Have You Ever Been on a Blind Date: Nope
Have You Ever Been out of the Country: Yes
*********************************************

7 Things You are Wearing

1. Levis
2. teal tanktop
3. Black fleece
4. My rings.
5. Socks
6. My heart necklace
7. Fossil sweatshirt

************************************

6 Things You've Done Today

1. Went to Safeway at 6am
2. Fallen asleep and missed dinner
3. Made jello
4. Went downtown with Emma
5. Procrastinated on SSE AGAIN
6. Renewed my library books

*******************************************

5 Favorite Things

1. My faith
2. My dreams and future
3. Family
4. Friends
5. BBQ ribs

***********************************

4 People You Most Trust

1. Most of my friends
2. God
3. Myself most days
4. My grandma


************************************

3 Choices

1. Vanilla or Chocolate: Vanilla
2. Hugs or Kisses: Kisses
3. Pens or Pencils: Mechanical Pencils or pens

*************************************

3 Things You Want to do Before You Die

1. Accomplish my dreams
2. Learn to belly dance
3. Have an amazing kiss

*************************************

1 Person You Want to See

1. My grandma

3 things you'd pay money to see:
-

3 things you'd want if stranded on a desert island:
Well aside from basic needs and things like chapstick, condoms and deoderant...
-My bed
-My future husband
-A dog

3 things you'd do with a trillion dollars:
-Consult my father
-Buy a plot of land in the country with my country house for when I'm older
-Pay off debts/college

3 people you'd like to have lunch with:
-God
-My friends I've lost
-My mom when she was my age

3 people you'd raise from the dead if given the chance:
-Papa
-Phyllis
-Karen

3 people you hope fall off the planet:
-Terrorists
-
-

3 words to describe yourself:
-Emotional
-Moody
-Dreamer

3 things you want to do before you die:
-Get married... accomplish my dreams
-Graduate college
-Find something I'm passionate about

3 favorite foods:
-Corn-on-the-cob
-BBQ Baby back ribs
-Roast

3 favorite song lyrics:
-"Like we Never Loved at All" -"I don't Wanna Miss a Thing"
-"Ice Ice Baby"...haha

3 things mankind would be better off without:
-Drugs
-STDs
-Cancer/other diseases
among MANY other things

3 people/events you wish you could travel through time to experience:
-The curing of cancer.
-The 70's
-The 80's

3 things you look for in a friend:
-Sense of humor
-Non judging
-Laid back, not fake

3 of your favorite things (in general):
-Swing sets
-Being in love
-Sex

3 things everyone needs more of:
-Sex
-Intelligence
-Money

The more I research about pharmacy, the more eager I am to go to finish college and go to grad school. The more labs we do in ap chem, I see I am not cut out for chemistry. The harder I try not think about him, the more I think about him. The more I try to forget, the more I remember. It's constant. The farther along I get in senior year, the less I go to class and the less motivation I have to do anything. I can hardly wait to see how I'll be come May... I am however, very excited for track season. I've been working hard in the weight room and I'm definitely not going to let anything hold me back this year. Nothing. I want to see what I am capable of, I want to walk away at the end of season with no regrets. After each race, I want to be so tired I can't walk. I don't want to have an ounce of energy left in me. I will exert everything I have to that race. I am soooooo excited. :)

UNIQUE
1. Nervous Habits: sweaty palms!
2. Are you double jointed: No
3. Can you roll your tongue? yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? somewhat
5. Can you blow spit bubble? nope, nor do I care to
6. Can you cross your eyes? Yep
7. Tattoos? no thanks
8. Piercings and where? 2, one in each ear lobe
9. Do you make your bed daily? Yeah right, I roll out of bed 10 minutes before class starts. That's the last thing I do.

CLOTHES
10. Which shoe goes on first? whichever is closest
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? Yes, during a vicious fight with my sister
12. On the average, how much money do you carry in your wallet? Lately, not a lot. Probably 10 bucks in case I'm starving or run out of gas somewhere.
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? None really. It all comes off sometimes. I don't leave the house without my rings or my heart necklace though, and earrings if I remember.
14. Favorite piece of clothing? My undies, socks or my grey (camping) sweats.

FOOD
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? swirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? Yup... I used to like it when I was 5.
17. Favorite ice cream flavor? too many to choose from... just nothing with nuts or coffee flavored
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? Not sure, I don't eat it.
19. What's your favorite beverage? Hmm, Propel, OJ, water or Diet Pepsi
20. What's your favorite restaurant? Noodle Ranch in Seattle! Or Buster's :)
21. Do you cook? Rarely, and when I do it's usually not edible. But I bake a little better than I cook.
22. How often do you brush your teeth? All the freaking time!
23. Hair drying method? blow dry or air dry on the weekends
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? yes, not for a couple years though

MANNERS
25. Do you swear? Oh yes, I'm especially bad when I drive.
26. Do you ever spit? Funny question... no. I got in trouble for it when I was little and my dad made me spit in a cup until it was full. But I tried to the other day when I was running and it got all over me. I'm not a spitter... lol.

FAVORITE
27. Animal? Dogs
28. Food? Depends on my mood.
29. Month? July
30. Day? Saturday
31. Favorite Cartoon Character? ????
32. Shoe Brand? Adidas
33. Subject in school? Fitness, I suck at math and chem these days and I never go to Spanish... those used to be my faves though.
34. Color? All of them, but I love white!
35. Sport? Track, second is swimming
36. TV show? Three's Company, One Tree Hill and Everwood, although I haven't watched the last two in over a year :(
41. The CD player? Colin Raye- it has my "papa's song" on it... it's been that sorta day.
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Nobody, I don't spend a lot of time on the phone.
43. Ever taken a cab? A few times.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? Sometimes :(
45. What color is your bedroom? Two different tones of brown... it's big vertical stripes. Looks nicer than it sounds.
46. Do you use an alarm clock? I have one, but the only button I use is snooze and off.
47. Window seat or aisle? Aisle I think, or window as long as I know the people next to me (so I don't feel bad for getting up every 5 minutes).
48. What's your sleeping position? Side, all curled up or with my leg over a pillow (weird, I know)
50. Do you snore? A little
51. Do you sleepwalk? Only once, I was on lots of medicine though after surgery
52. Do you talk in your sleep? Not that I'm aware of
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? YES
54. How about with the light on? No
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? I used to fall asleep every night to a cd he made me, but now I sleep in silence.

I'm quitting swim team. I used to love it, the competition, the chlorine, the workouts, everything. Things sure change.

I'm begining to work again. Money is tight now because of the fire. Shitty. Life sucks sometimes, but you deal with it.

Veteran's Day is finally OVER. That stress is gone and I can finally take a deep breath. I don't feel happy with it though. I feel like someone else could have done a way better job. I'm not ready to face the criticism. I just tried so hard, I put in so many hours. I just don't know... that was the hardest project I've ever done. I've never worked so hard on something in my life. Well, except maybe making the 12 batches of Christmas cookies last year... no, but really. I just wanted to cry when the day was over, and I did. I drove to "our" old road, ate (or do you drink them?) a Frosty and thought long and hard about everything.

I'm broken hearted, someone grab the duct tape! Does it really fix everything? I'd like to hope it does. If not, I'm screwed. I can't make up my mind with so many things... swim team for one. Such a conundrum. And then this stupid thing that I cannot get over for the life of me. That stupid, stupid, stupid boy that I let myself fall for... why?! I know why, because we were perfect together, we were amazing, everything about us was. Why oh why does life have to be so crazy and chaotic sometimes?! Agh. I wish there was someone or something to be angry at, or to blame, but the truth is, there really isn't. It just happened and I hate that. I went from so happy to not happy so quickly. And there is absolutely NO chance of him and me ever being "us" again. Sucky. What would be the point though? So I could get my heart broken again? So I could go through that pain again? I just hate the holidays and stuff when I think of all the things we had planned to do together. Like go cut down the tree and share Thanksgiving between our families and stuff. I miss the little things, like how he'd always have his windshield wipers at the slightest bit of drizzle and it would drive me CRAZY. And what about our goldfish? My little Dexter? And our big country house? And you rubbing my back every night before falling asleep? And Big Lake camping trips, where you had to get up every night to walk me to the bathroom because I'd be too scared and cold to go alone. Or yelling at each other when I fell off the waverunner, or our tailgate picnics at the park? Or what about our plans to adopt a dog from the Humane Society? Nobody will ever understand me the way you did. Nobody will understand you the way I did. We got each other, we knew the insides and outs of how each other thought. Remember that smile that only you and I knew what it meant. Or the wildflowers. Or what about you teaching me to drive the Dotty. I suck at driving a stick, I get frustrated, but you were the only one with enough patience. And prom? We were going in your dad's old Ford truck he's fixing up, or the Bronco. Either way, it was gonna be a Ford and it was always my dream. I wanna mail you my love letters and I want to send you pictures every morning of what I wore to school. I want to drive four hours (and get lost) to see you and kiss you. I want to go to Central next year with you, as much as I've begun to love OSU, it's no CWU, Corvallis is no Ellensburg. Why can't I move on? HC I can't forget you? I know why... because you were my first love, my only love and I don't want to. How can you just forget me, be over me so fast? I'm holding on to this tiny bit of hope. I have this weird feeling that if I could see you, we could talk and share everything like we used to do, we could go to our road and talk for hours and watch the sunset. You could even pick me a flower. I could cry on your shoulder and you could hold me and assure me things will be okay, that we're meant to be, you could tell me all those lies again about how we'll make it through this, how strong our love is, and that we'll be just like your parents someday. Oh I'm such a fool, I'll never stop being such a dreamer. Even if I acted like the "realistic" one, I wasn't. Not inside, I shared the same dreams you did. Do you feel like a fool too? Do you miss me? Do you ache inside? Do you ever stop thinking of me?

So last night, like every other night for the past month or so, I cried myself to sleep... well not really to sleep, I tossed and turned all night and couldn't keep these terrible thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I tried. I've passed the stage of worrying that he and I won't survive being 4 1/2 hours away, although now I feel like it'd pointless and we're gonna be just like every other high school relationship where they think it's different and that they can make it work and realize after a month or two that they just can't. I see all these couples that I really in my heart believed were meant to be, break up and it doesn't leave me with much hope. Then I was worried about me holding him back, about him finding new girls that better suit him, that are like an upgrade from me to put it in computery terms. That he'll find someone that's a better match for him. Then I worried about him not being able to communicate and talk and that we'll bore each other or get bored of each other, and won't be able to relate to each other anymore and we'll argue all the time. I also worried that we'll lose our passion by not being able to see each other basically every day like we're accustomed to. I worried we'd only feel in love and adoring towards each other when we're in person and that'll be monthly, if that. I worried that the distance would be too much, that him not being here for me every time I need to cry on someone's shoulder, need help with my homework, need to get away, need to go for a country drive, that he won't be here. The little things like him waiting for me at the end of the hall at school and leaving me love notes get me the most. He won't be holding my hand at football games anymore, we won't be able to go to our hill and steam up the windows. Even when he comes home, it'll be so crammed and rushed. He'll be trying to balance seeing his friends and family and me all into 2 days. We won't be able to sit back and watch tv together and rub each other's feet, we'll be trying to do as much as possible. It's not healthy, it's not how I want to be in a relationship, but I love him too much. I'm scared to be without him, I need him too much these days, I depend on him to make me happy when I'm sad. He tells me he'll marry me when I'm 21, but that worries me even more. My mom told me to never settle for second best, and I know that he's all that I want, but I can't help but wonder and doubt. If I am doubting does that mean it isn't meant to last forever? I'm not sure, and that's what I was crying about last night. I was worried that I'd marry him someday because I'm too scared to be with out him and to be alone, that I'd never find anyone that compares to him; and that treats me and undertsands me as well as he does. I worried that I'd spend my whole life wondering and doubting. I worried that we'll break up in a few months of this whole distance thing and that all my college plans, if you can even call them that, will be altered. If I go to where I'd truly like to go the distance between us will definitely break us up. I am certain on that. I feel like I'm so young and that I cannot possibly know what I want for the rest of my life, although I love the idea of marrying him and being each other's first and only loves and all that stuff, I don't know if that's realistic. I mean, it worked for his parents and my aunt and uncle, but that wasn't how I was raised. He's a total dreamer, whether he'll admit it or not, and I'm completely not. We're so different sometimes, yet he's the only one who when laying in bed I can discuss chemistry with and not be made fun of (too much...). There are so many interesting people in this world, in our school even, that I'd love to get to know, not even in a romantic type of way, but I feel held back, and I don't think he's to blame for that, it's just that I am so used to being able to be in sweats and be called beautiful, so used to having someone always there for me, it's a little unnerving knowing that won't be the case. So many aspects of our relationship we'll change in a week, it's unbarable.I love to dream with my heart and mind, but my head forces me to be realistic and screws up my dreams. I hope all this worrying is for no reason, but I just kept praying to God to help us through this and to give me hope and answers. There's nothing I'd love more than to grow up and become like his parents and mine. I'd love to fall in love with CWU and for it to be the college for me, and for him to be the guy I marry and raise a family with someday in the far future, but I just don't know. I need answers though, I just cannot stand this. It's not fair for me to constantly be sad and bring my sadness on to Cameron and my friends. They don't deserve it, just because they're normal and can actually handle things without getting super depressed like me, I just wish things were different. I feel like this is all happening for a reason, so that we'll break up and in a year or two I'll realize he's not the one. I don't want that at all, don't get me wrong, but that's just how I feel in my heart it'll happen. I hate being so realistic, or pessimistic, however yoiu choose to look at it, but there's no changing who I am and how I act, I've tried that and it's a hopeless case. I guess I just need to accept things how they are and learn to deal with things when they comne my way. I wish I were strong and courageous and brave and outgoing and well-liked and respected, I wish I were so many things but myself. Nobody sees this, but I see it everytime I look in the mirror or see my picture.

Camping was amazing. I loved it, if there would have been showers I could've stayed forever. I love his family, they're so funny and just down to earth, and not so stressful and cranky like my family. It was a well needed break from everyone here. So we put up two tents because my parents insisted, even though they weren't there and only used one. I put my crap in mine, but it basically all migrated over to his anyway so it was pointless. Next camping trip only one tent is needed. Had lots of good times with the one exception of this morning at five o'clock when I got sick. But oh well, totally worth it. We didn't even fight the whole trip, amazing! We had some amazing times talking and whatnot. I realized once again how in love I am. It was so nice being able to fall asleep with him and wake up with him even if we only got a few hours of sleep... that's what naps are for, right? I hated to come home to reality: work, fighting, stress. Gah, I hate it. The only time I'm happy when I'm at home is when he's over or I'm alone. I would love to move in with his family, that would be fabulous, but sadly unrealistic. I come home, the minute I walk in the door, no joke, my sister starts to yell at me for taking her bag (even though she doesn't even need it), and my mom starts in on me too. She told me work called, "Uh, Brittany someone from work called, was it Stephanie? S-Something, I dunno, but they wanted to see, something about working on Wednesday, I dunno don't worry about it though." "Oh shit" was my response and I walked out. Great, I was supposed to work on Wednesday but I got Ashley to cover my shift and did everything I needed to do, only I didn't call and tell Ashley that I did it all, I just assumed she knew. Well, I guess not. Shit, I'm probably going to get bitched at tomorrow. Wow, I really hate work. Then I check my car to see how much gas they used in it while I was gone, wonderful a quarter tank, pretty much like 10 bucks worth. I love it when my parents just take my car and don't even bother to ask or anything, but oh no, I can't drive their cars because it's their gas. Only, this is my gas. Agh, I can't wait to leave. The one good thing about tomorrow, okay two good things: I get my senior rep. pictures done in the morning, and Cameron's coming over tomorrow night to play cards and stuff after work. Well I had better go unpack and do laundry and take a well needed shower. Ugh, I hate unpacking.